Before Saying “I Do”, Understand the Responsibility Embedded in the Vows

Once, I was giving a lecture on the institution of marriage, and as a sociologist, the audience expected me to say that marriage is the most imperative institution of a society, and my answer to them was –Not really? The audience gave me a peculiar look and started judging the authenticity of my degree. I heard a whispering sound from behind. Is she really a sociologist? Marriage is the most sacrosanct and significant institution without which society cannot survive. My answer to this was: Are our youth really ready for the institution of marriage? Spike in the rate of divorces, brutal murders by partners, and abandonment of children after minor crises. I believe we should sincerely rethink about this institution.

We are living with Generation Z – The tech-savvy generation; however, the time was different in our generation; we perceived marriage as a duty, commitment and responsibilities towards children and elders. However, the connotation of marriage for today’s generation is love, self-fulfilment, companionship, etc. Indeed, I don’t contradict, and prop up love and companionship as the founding stone of marriage; however, there is another aspect of the coin. Marriage is not merely a romantic, dreamy tale; it is a responsibility. The initial attraction or infatuation is temporary; sustaining a marriage requires lots of effort, compromises, and commitment. With marriage, significant responsibilities also come up, such as managing finances, raising children, caring for elders, which require us to have a particular kind of temperament.

Is the young generation ready for these responsibilities? Among this generation there is a lack of patience, commitment, and disrespect for social bonds, which have given rise to broken marriages.

All human beings are born and brought up in different settings; their temperament and way of living are different. However, the present generation does not acknowledge these differences. Understand that no one is flawless; they will make mistakes. Further, there is tension between them regarding who is going to take up the responsibilities. “Why should I teach children? Why should I prepare food? Why should I spend all my savings? I need my space and time. And BOOM…. I am done; let’s part ways, without considering the good days you spent together, without considering the impact of divorce on children. We fight with your siblings, even stop talking for days, but deep inside, we do not quit. Do we part ways? No, then why is the marital relationship so flimsy? Is it because we have no exit option for the siblings?  I’m still pondering the answer to this question.

Now the question arises, who is going to teach them a lesson of patience, maturity and the meaning of marriage? As per my best understanding, children learn by watching. Children learn by observing; if they witness respectful communication and patience during conflicts, they internalize such behaviour.  Further, as they grow, parents or elders must honestly discuss the other side of relationships and marriage, i.e., it is not merely romanticism; instead, it’s a collaboration which demands 3 Ps, i.e., patience, partnership and practicality. Be patient when your partner is not in a good mood. Give a pause and later discuss your concern. Be ready to share responsibilities, be it domestic or financial.

Marriage is like a rowing boat where two oars are needed to propel the boat. You can’t place the entire burden on one person, whether it comes to household chores or economic responsibilities. Both partners are equally important; hence, your contribution must be balanced. However, when we say equal, it doesn’t mean creating rigid rules and starting to measure each task minutely. Instead, divide the work based on each other’s interests and capacities. Undoubtedly, some jobs are demanding than others; in that case, it is pertinent that the other partner sets up and handles the situation.

Practicality is the key- Do not expect romance 24×7 as depicted in movies. We have good days, but we also experience bad ones. Expecting the same level of love, care, devotion and attention every time is neither possible nor realistic. Of course, marriage is not a bed of roses for all. It’s not a janmo janmo ka bandhan. Many partners face abuse and hatred in the relationship. Need not to mention, move on, don’t stay in an abusive relationship. However, in case the person is good and reacts bizarrely once in a while, then it’s really okay. Take a pause- weigh your relationship before taking a final call. Is the person worth living with or not? Reflect on the time you have spent contemplating the idea of marriage. Avoid making hasty decisions. Finally, if you are not ready for this chapter of life, do not get into this institution. Staying single means you are responsible for your own life rather than being accountable for someone else’s.

Dr. Richa Walia